[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I love it all
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR