my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no