her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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it’s either covid or clever vampires
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me in tagged photos