*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.