10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
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ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit