*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?