talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
hi why am I like this
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?