PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
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I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.