Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)