Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried