2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
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I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Well, this is awkward
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today