HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
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What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Oh, I bet you would be
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?