[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I get distracted pretty eas
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)