Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
You Might Also Like
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again