Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Smooooooth
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.