Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
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All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
never compromise your values
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move