My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
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I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
The “baby” on the left….
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.