Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.