When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.