The Onion called it…again.
You Might Also Like
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Not today. 😅
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*