Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
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<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out