I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
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All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…