Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?