so, is there a mister shapen head
You Might Also Like
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.