Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
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New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.