Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
You Might Also Like
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
english majors be like furthermore
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to