date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.