As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.