Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?