When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
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So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
@ candidates for local office
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Driving in Europe vs Canada
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do