true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
You Might Also Like
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix