gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.