I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.