Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.