my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Lassie, get help!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?