me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.