Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.