came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
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My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Thanks to a fan for this one!
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams