Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
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ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I love snow
– People who never shovel