You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
You Might Also Like
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.