Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
These aliens are taking forever.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
In case you needed to hear it:
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry