Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
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My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My ideal weight is five million dollars
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?