Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on