Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
You Might Also Like
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints