If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
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Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
CRYING
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
😆this is so true
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
my name if I was in the mob
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Would you wear it?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
me hitting on a model