He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
You Might Also Like
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
first you must answer his riddles
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.