tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?