Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
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If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
This is me 🤣🤣
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.