13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe