[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
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[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
This guy’s not having it 😆
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.